plumtreeblossom: (barf)
I am eating a Heart Thrive (TM) Nutritious Meals To Go Vegan Apricot Energy Bar. I might as well be eating the HEPA filter from my vacuum cleaner. The overriding flavors are: dust, laundromat, stale cereal, apricot facial scrub.

Why am I eating it if I don't like it? Well, because that's what I took a chance on for a quick to-go breakfast from Diesel, and lunch is several hours away, and I have to eat something. The bars are heart-shaped biscuit-patties of Wholesome Organic Ingredients, two to a pack. The molded shape puts me in mind of childhood, when I would occasionally nom Milk Bones dog biscuits because I thought it was an edgy thing to do.

I swear, if there was a pet store within walking distance...

plumtreeblossom: (dining)
Dear Cafe Horrible,

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! Just a few items today, I'll keep it quick:

1) Sorry, but you can't take last week's unsold apple pie slices, stuff them into plastic juice cups, top it with Cool Whip and call it a parfait. That isn't what a parfait is. Parfaits are layered and don't look like an angry toddler balled up his fist and ramrodded the pie into the cup.

2) I need to point out that you can't simply give a soup the name Vegetarian. The word vegetarian is a descriptor, not really a stand-alone name. The name needs to offer more information about the soup. I would suggest calling it what it actually is: Salad Bar Leftovers Soup. You can note in the next line below that it is vegetarian.

3) Could I get you to do me a wee favor? See, there's this blog I love to read called The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. I really want to find a funny misuse of quotation marks to photograph and send in, but we seem to live in an area where widespread over-education makes these mistakes tragically rare and I almost never see it. Since you and I are "friends," could you maybe kick me one or two of these gems so I can contribute to this great blog? Like the chicken fingers on lettuce thing today that is called Gold Finger Salad, would be funnier if it was called Gold "Finger" Salad.

Thanks, and happy Monday!

Soup Fail

Oct. 20th, 2008 01:18 pm
plumtreeblossom: (skunk MBTA)
If I had known that this potato soup had jiggly slabs of bacon fat in it, I would have picked something else. When the description included bacon, I imagined bacon bits or crumbled crisp bacon, not strips of flaccid fat cut up and thrown into the soup undercooked. And in the creamy, opaque soup, you can't see them to avoid them. I keep having to remove them from my mouth with my fingers, which is a nasty way to eat.

Surprisingly, this wasn't Cafe Horrible, but the usually trustworthy Au Bon. That's a first.
plumtreeblossom: (barf)
Everyone in my office building waited excitedly for the new cafe to open on the ground floor. We were tired of shlepping several blocks to Au Bon, or the comically over-priced Zigo, or the junk food at Dunkin Donuts. It took a month longer than expected for them to secure proper licensing, but open it eventually did.

"Oooh, how nice!" I exclaimed upon first entry. And it is nice, to look at. Everything is immaculately clean. It is roomy in a way that is rare for Cambridge eateries, and the lighting and displays of upscale snacks are attractive. The polite staff looks sharp in their stylish uniforms. Too bad that's where the pluses end.

That first visit, which was their opening day, I thought maybe they were still getting their act together and didn't fault then for the vile wrapped breakfast sandwich I grabbed from under the heat lamp. It was dry throughout, the sausage patty little more than brown crust and grizzle. Still, I forgave. They were just starting up.

No more heat lamp food, I decided was the solution. Next day I ordered 2 eggs scrambled from the grill cook, and was horrified to see her splash a soup ladleful of grease onto the frying grill. Into the puddle went my eggs, stirred around so the grease formed pockets in the cooked egg. When I slid it onto a bagel, there was a trench of yellow oil in the styrofoam container. I should have stopped going that day, but inexplicably didn't.

Want to know how to fuck up a grilled cheese sandwich? Go to Cafe on Main. They'll show you how, with a single slice of American cheese cowering half-melted between two slices of gummy whole wheat Wonder Bread, squashed momentarily on the grill but not, in any real sense, cooked. That one was worthy of a blog post of its own.

The salad bar, then. Huh, not much of a selection, but the basics that I must have in a salad were there. Boring, I thought, but how bad can it be? As bad as the first olive I put in my mouth, which was OMG spoiled.

Our building manager gave me a $5 coupon to the cafe, and I rationalized that things do taste better when they're free. I glanced at the dried-up mac & cheese, the leathery heat lamp pizza curling up at the end, and opted to get a made-to-order sandwich. I watched while the man ahead of me had a sandwich of green-edged roast beef assembled on his 3rd choice of bread, the others being 86'd for the day. Because it was free thanks to the coupon, I ordered turkey and cheese.

That sandwich tasted like french kissing a dog with gingivitis. The soaking wet pressed turkey food product dampened the stale bun, which actually made it easier to bite into. I was hungry and it was late, so I pulled most of the "turkey" out and pretty much ate a damp bun with a slice of cheese in it.

I suppose you could patch together a lunch with the packaged snacks and drinks -- Terra Chips, Kashi breakfast bars, bottled green tea drinks. But it's back to Au Bon for me, with their reliably good soups and tasty baked goods. Their uniforms aren't as handsome, but someone there actually knows how to cook.

plumtreeblossom: (dining)
Reheated Tex-Mex doggie bag + strawberry Pocky = Breakfast of Champions.

*thumbs up*

plumtreeblossom: (fat cat)
There's nothing healthy to eat in the neighborhood where I work. Not that I always opt for the healthy choice anyway, but I'd been patting myself on the back for regularly enjoying a Taco Bell Fiesta Taco Salad for lunch. If you scramble the letters of FIESTA TACO SALAD, it spells MOST DELICIOUS SALAD EVAAAAR IN THE HISTORY OF ALL SALAD (you have to use the silent letters in order to get that anagram). Salad=healthy, right?

Turns out those bad boys have 840 calories each! That's 2/3rds of a day's calorie needs for me in one fast food item! Since working in this neighborhood I've eaten about 25 of them. Whoops.

According to Taco Bell's nutrition calculator, you can lop it down to 390 calories by not eating the shell. That's more like it. But no shell?

Life is everything but fair.

plumtreeblossom: (half-jewish)
I think I'm drawn to men who enjoy unorthodox combinations of flavors. I was telling [ profile] beowabbit about a man I once loved who liked to make garlic hummus with blueberries mixed in. That's a very alien idea to my palate, but [ profile] beowabbit thought the dish sounded totally delicious.

Or, maybe those men are drawn to me. I am, after all, a highly unorthodox combination of weird things. :-)

So I'll pose the question to you, my hungry readers:

[Poll #1018818]
plumtreeblossom: (marefaba)
I was just standing next to someone who ordered a "small tea, 7 sugars." I looked down my nose at her disapprovingly.

Then as I was walking away I remembered that I usually order a small Coke/Pepsi with my restaurant meals, which is like "small drink, 16 sugars."


(But she still shouldn't have used the word "sugars" as a unit of measurement.)


Dec. 14th, 2006 01:30 pm
plumtreeblossom: (dining)
FYI, chili from the Park Square Cafe is not food. It is, perhaps, what was left in the grill drain the night before, mixed with what was in the competing restaurant's trash, sprinkled liberally with gritty floor sweepings and an updumped jar of cheap chili powder. It really feels like there's fine-ground sand in it -- I can feel it with my teeth. And I just retrieved a big hunk of gristle from my mouth.

Here is what else I have fished out of the chili and set aside:

The tail end of a stick of salami
The outermost skins of red and green peppers but no peppers themselves
Reedy things, like unto hemp stems
A chunk of stray fruit, probably canned peach but not sure

Oh yeah, and it was $6.86.

If a starving person begged to eat this, I'd say "No, you own foot is a better meal." I can't take it back because I managed to choke down about a third of it before really inspecting it. Hurl. I'm going to Finagle-a-Bagel.

plumtreeblossom: (fat cat)
At the honey extraction party that [ profile] pheromone and I went to yesterday (much like the one I wrote about in the food_porn community last year) the post-extraction conversation went in several wrong directions. And by "wrong" I mean:

Sardinian Maggot Cheese -- don't read while eating )
plumtreeblossom: (fat cat)
I woke up at 3:00AM this morning, and because I couldn't get back to sleep, I engaged in sinful behavior...

I ate Cap'n Crunch.

If you can't sleep, have a big bowl of sugar and starch. That'll help. Me and The Cap'n go way back. It's a childhood addiction I never outgrew. Same with Lucky Charms, except that modern Lucky Charms are even better than back-in-the-day Lucky Charms because now there's more marshmallows than cereal yet you can convince yourself that you're not really eating a bowl of candy for breakfast. Or at 3:00AM.

I want more!


plumtreeblossom: (Default)

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