WTF Du Jour

[plumtreeblossom]

Today's WTF comes from the pamphlet inside my box of slimming tea. It includes a "balanced eating plan" and suggested meals. Here is a sample of Dinner:

Roast beef............3 oz.
Mashed potato.........1/2 cup
Green Beans...........1 cup
Cauliflower...........1/2 cup
Green salad/oil&vin...unlimited
Roll..................1
Angel food cake.......1 slice
Fresh berries.........1/2 cup
Slimming tea..........1 cup

Now, I have carefully envisioned all of this food in the above portions plated in front of me, and there is no possible way I could finish all of that in one sitting. I don't even eat that much on Thanksgiving. Maybe if I removed the roll, one of the vegetables, and either the cake or the berries, maybe I could clean my plate. The breakfasts and lunches are similarly generous and similarly vague about some of the portion sizes. But it claims that a whole day's menu only adds up to 1200 calories. I know for good and damn certain that isn't correct. I'm forced to conclude that this eating plan is designed for those accustomed to hoovering an entire large Pizza Hut Meat Lover's and a half-gallon of ice cream in one meal.

But the WTFery goes on. The pamphlet includes a height/weight chart. At 5'3" and medium frame, wearing shoes and clothing, my target weight range should be (wait for it...) 110-122.

Huuuuh?!? In what alternate universe would I look attractive at 110? Clothed and shod, no less? I haven't stepped on a home scale wearing clothes or shoes since ever, because doing so would be patently retarded. I weigh 143 in my spankity pink nakedness, and I just want to get back to 130 and shrink my manly belly. I haven't weighed 110 since age 14, and barring catastrophic illness, I'm quite certain I never will again.

So, thought I, this being Asian slimming tea, perhaps that chart is made for a less broad Asian body type. I could see 110 working for a small-framed Japanese woman of my height. The box sports a trim Asian model and an Asian-influenced font. I read the bottom of the box. Manufactured in Tempe, AZ.

But on the upside, it's delicious and raspberry-y!

Wait, not quite done. Unlimited green salad with oil/vinegar dressing? UNLIMITED? So I can has bathtub or SUV or airplane hangar filled wif salad and EAT IT ALL GONE?!

I don't think that would help my pants fit any better.

Comments

[ariesd.livejournal.com]

I dunno I would have to actually see that plated.

Having had a gastric bypass many moons ago I know what 3oz of Roast Beef looks like and it isn't a lot. The 1/2 cup of mashed potatoes is less than 1 baked. I think if you lost the 1 cup of green beans it would be in line for a balanced meal.

Notice there is no listing of beverage other than the tea.

hehehehehe, 110-122lbs, yeah I can only suggest a few weeks of pneumonia for a quick weight loss. Me thinks the fever and hallucinations were not worth it.

[ariesd.livejournal.com]

I forgot, I'm Italian so if you want to borrow the salad tongs and dressing mixing bottle they are yours. Balsamic is the only way to go, all other Vinegars are just gateway vinegars. ;-)

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Other than if I'm dreadfully ill, my weight only goes below 130 if I'm in the throes of heartbreak over some romantic collapse/failure. I can't eat at all, and I survive on V-8, coffee, cigarettes and burbon. A cop's diet, minus the donuts. Last time it happened, my weight went down to 126. I looked in the mirror and thought "I may be miserable, but I look fuckin' HAWT."

And that 126 is still above the high target weight on the tea pamphlet! :-)

[treacle-well.livejournal.com]

Yeah, even before I read the rest of the entry I was saying, now that's a pretty nice meal if you leave out the green beans. And maybe one other thing.