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Weekend Capsules
Sep. 5th, 2005 01:39 pmMost of this weekend has been devoted to helping in any way I can with Katrina relief efforts. Being this far away, and having only a small amount of money I could donate, I was limited to $25 and whatever I could do online, but believe me, there's a lot that can be done to help that way, and still needs doing. I've been helping with admin and outreach for a New England based pet rescue effort (ask me about this if you can host an animal or be a driver, or can donate frequent flyer miles to the cause), I got involved in a grassroots effort to help women and children evacuees avoid the sexual predation that accompanies all disasters of this nature, and I volunteered to meet potential displacement hosts and report back my findings to those seeking shelter. This week I'll be busing down to Providence to meet a potential host family. They sounded like wonderful people over the phone, so I'm not at all worried.
Two 8-hour days of this had me feeling tension and intense stress, and even some of the hostility that grows in the face of a crisis this overwhelming. If it was this bad for me here in my safe, intact home and life, what must it be like for those helping right there on the scene, day after day, night after night?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm fighting with unexplainable fear issues surrounding my search for a higher paying job. It's revealing to me how strong my aversion to change has grown. The industry is in serious trouble -- I must get out of college textbook publishing now, but that's all I've done for the last 6+ years. Moving into trade publishing or non-college academic publishing is what I want, but for no explainable reason, I'm scared shitless. There's no reason for this. I'm employed, so this is not a desperate scramble like last time. I should be enjoying this unusual advantage of being able to pick and choose as I see fit. But I'm not. Every time I click on Monster.com my heart starts pounding with anxiety and I get a nervous knot in my stomach. Then I'll say "Well, I'll just watch a few movie trailers to calm myself down." Nineteen trailers later, I'll want a nap.
I do fear certain things that I'm not accustomed to. Maybe that's it. I'm not used to the luxury of upward mobility. I've got to use this window of advantage before I lose it. It's one of those times when it's extra hard not having anyone in your day-to-day life who can continue to tell you "You can do it" until it happens. I've got lots of people in my life, but none for whom it's particularly crucial whether I do it or not. I've been so many people's cheerleader before. I wish I had one now.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I went to a party last night with my friend Todd, at our friend Tom's house. I was utterly toast from the Katrina work that day. It was fun meeting some new people, but then things got weird and so we left rather early. I wasn't expecting that to happen. It's sad to accept that social tensions will be what they'll be, no matter how much you might wish the tension would vaporize, and that only time will heal it over.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm so relieved that the long hot/humid stretch is finished (for now). God, I do not handle heat well. In the last few years, I've developed a problem with the skin on my face and neck being in a state of constant deep red flush whenever it's extremely hot and humid, even in the AC. It looks exactly like sunburn but it's not. It looks hideous, but the real problem is that when the skin is flushed with blood like that for days on end, it hurts. It felt like I was wearing a tight, stinging mask. If it goes on too long, capillaries can break and cause permanent discoloration. It was an incredible relief to wake up yesterday morning and see my own normal skin color again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Rehearsal tomorrow, and them possibly I'll drop over to catch some of the Mobius Band at TT's. I saw them in New York in June and loved them. I suppose it'll depend on how much energy I have left after work and rehearsal.
Two 8-hour days of this had me feeling tension and intense stress, and even some of the hostility that grows in the face of a crisis this overwhelming. If it was this bad for me here in my safe, intact home and life, what must it be like for those helping right there on the scene, day after day, night after night?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm fighting with unexplainable fear issues surrounding my search for a higher paying job. It's revealing to me how strong my aversion to change has grown. The industry is in serious trouble -- I must get out of college textbook publishing now, but that's all I've done for the last 6+ years. Moving into trade publishing or non-college academic publishing is what I want, but for no explainable reason, I'm scared shitless. There's no reason for this. I'm employed, so this is not a desperate scramble like last time. I should be enjoying this unusual advantage of being able to pick and choose as I see fit. But I'm not. Every time I click on Monster.com my heart starts pounding with anxiety and I get a nervous knot in my stomach. Then I'll say "Well, I'll just watch a few movie trailers to calm myself down." Nineteen trailers later, I'll want a nap.
I do fear certain things that I'm not accustomed to. Maybe that's it. I'm not used to the luxury of upward mobility. I've got to use this window of advantage before I lose it. It's one of those times when it's extra hard not having anyone in your day-to-day life who can continue to tell you "You can do it" until it happens. I've got lots of people in my life, but none for whom it's particularly crucial whether I do it or not. I've been so many people's cheerleader before. I wish I had one now.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I went to a party last night with my friend Todd, at our friend Tom's house. I was utterly toast from the Katrina work that day. It was fun meeting some new people, but then things got weird and so we left rather early. I wasn't expecting that to happen. It's sad to accept that social tensions will be what they'll be, no matter how much you might wish the tension would vaporize, and that only time will heal it over.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I'm so relieved that the long hot/humid stretch is finished (for now). God, I do not handle heat well. In the last few years, I've developed a problem with the skin on my face and neck being in a state of constant deep red flush whenever it's extremely hot and humid, even in the AC. It looks exactly like sunburn but it's not. It looks hideous, but the real problem is that when the skin is flushed with blood like that for days on end, it hurts. It felt like I was wearing a tight, stinging mask. If it goes on too long, capillaries can break and cause permanent discoloration. It was an incredible relief to wake up yesterday morning and see my own normal skin color again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Rehearsal tomorrow, and them possibly I'll drop over to catch some of the Mobius Band at TT's. I saw them in New York in June and loved them. I suppose it'll depend on how much energy I have left after work and rehearsal.