Don't Make Me Release The Flying Monkeys

A trend in interior design that I find increasingly disturbing is the exposed-to-the-room layout of the bathroom facilities in some trendy hotel rooms and apartments. When I say exposed, I really do mean it -- toilets and showers in varying levels of view ranging from through a sheer lace curtain to absolute naked nothing between the main room and the throne & its sitter.

I'm not making this up. Do a Google image search for "transparent bathroom" and "open bathroom" and you will see more than you ever wanted to see, unless your kinks take you in that direction. Oh, you don't believe me? As you might have guessed, mine do not.

beowabbit and I got a mild taste of this on our most recent trip to New York. We stayed in a posh boutique hotel in the Financial District (accessible to us only because of Priceline's astonishing discounts). Everything about our room was perfect except that the bathroom wall was nothing but very translucent frosted glass that allowed view of full silhouettes and large and medium details, the closer one was to the glass. What's more, the toilet was right up against the glass.

It was an awkward little problem. beowabbit and I are very close as a couple, but there are some basic privacy lines that we Do Not Cross, and basically the buck stops at the loo. We got around it by draping towels or using it with the light off, or just averting our eyes as politely as we could. We still enjoyed the room very much, but an opaque wall would have saved us the work of preventing overshare.

As I say, this was mild. If it was only an exposed shower I would have no problem with that -- I'm not that prissy. But really, go have a look on Google and see what designers are doing to eliminate the last shreds of intimate privacy. I have long railed about the barbaric design of most American public restrooms, with the peek-a-boo gaps on either side of the door, and the stalls stopping a foot or more above the floor leaving the feet and ankles exposed. I didn't know from exposure until I saw pictures of some of these ritzy hotel rooms and lofts, in some cases with the toilet and bidet simply in an un-partitioned indent, proudly facing the living area.

I imagine there are those who would say "There is nothing sexier than a confident woman on the toilet." If that's how you feel, fine. I will NEVER be sharing a hotel room with you.

I don't sense this trend is fading. We live in an increasingly transparent society; we keep our journals and our calendars online. If I know your full name I can buy more data on you than you probably have on yourself, and you can do the same to me, and we live with that knowledge. There's a generation coming up that is so accustomed transparent living and self-exposure that they may well think "I'm so great, why wouldn't anyone want to watch me go to the bathroom?" No, I predict that in 100 years, there will be no such thing as bath "rooms." Public facilities will be just rows of toilets side by side with no stalls at all, and in-home showers and toilets will be wherever they're most convenient to access -- in the living room, patio, kitchen, anywhere.

I have once again secured us posh digs for our upcoming New York trip, and thanks to Priceline the room is $80 cheaper than the Howard Johnson and $20 cheaper than the Pod Hotel. Best value in town, because I rule at bargain-hunting. But when I say I want an en-suite bath, I don't mean it LITERALLY. A bathroom. With opaque walls. And a door that closes. Please. Thank you.

You know you're totally owned when you have to go to the bathroom but you wait your turn stoically because the cat is drinking out of the toilet.