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I loved someone with depression
Apr. 22nd, 2006 07:22 amI woke up inexplicably remembering someone I was involved with 15 years ago who had untreated depression and chronic depressive episodes. I had never heard of clinical depression then. I thought his depressive episodes were my fault.
I've never felt depression other than in times of serious trauma, like an unwanted breakup, or if I was being abused. I've only ever experienced circumstantial depression, the kind that goes away when the wound starts healing or external situations improve. I didn't know that other people can fall into depressive episodes with no external cause. I didn't know about brain chemistry. Since there was nothing at all wrong with his life, I thought I was causing his depression.
Sometimes he would call to come pick me up and would sound fine, but when I got in his car, he had that look on his face, a look I can never forget but also can't describe. It happened many times. I would get in the car; he'd be facing forward. I'd say "Hi." He wouldn't move. Then very slowly, he would turn his face to me, and there would be an almost-visible ring of black, painful energy around it. I knew a night of dual misery was ahead; a poison brew of his mental illness and my ignorance and self-blame. Nothing, nothing, nothing I said could make him feel better. I was absolutely certain his depression was my fault, and that I was a failure for not being able to talk him back "up."
Lately, people on my friendlist have been talking about sex ed and health ed in schools and how they could be improved. I would like to add that I think every student, whether or not they have clinical depression, needs to be taught about depression in its many forms. Starting from late elementary school on up. They should be taught to know it, recognize it, understand it, and most importantly, to know that the chemical depression of someone they care about is not their fault (though circumstantial depression could be their fault if they are behaving badly toward that person). And, that if they are not a mental health professional, they can not fix it. They are not a failure when their attempts to rescue someone from depression fail.
Young people with depression, if they're being well cared for, receive education about their depression in treatment. But those without depression don't seem to ever get that same education. I don't think I know of anyone who doesn't have close contact with at least one person who has some form of non-circumstantial depression. If I could prevent just one young person who loves a person with depression from believing it's their fault and their failure because they can't fix it, I would be happy. I would wish to see school curriculii put more emphasis on this as part health education.
I've never felt depression other than in times of serious trauma, like an unwanted breakup, or if I was being abused. I've only ever experienced circumstantial depression, the kind that goes away when the wound starts healing or external situations improve. I didn't know that other people can fall into depressive episodes with no external cause. I didn't know about brain chemistry. Since there was nothing at all wrong with his life, I thought I was causing his depression.
Sometimes he would call to come pick me up and would sound fine, but when I got in his car, he had that look on his face, a look I can never forget but also can't describe. It happened many times. I would get in the car; he'd be facing forward. I'd say "Hi." He wouldn't move. Then very slowly, he would turn his face to me, and there would be an almost-visible ring of black, painful energy around it. I knew a night of dual misery was ahead; a poison brew of his mental illness and my ignorance and self-blame. Nothing, nothing, nothing I said could make him feel better. I was absolutely certain his depression was my fault, and that I was a failure for not being able to talk him back "up."
Lately, people on my friendlist have been talking about sex ed and health ed in schools and how they could be improved. I would like to add that I think every student, whether or not they have clinical depression, needs to be taught about depression in its many forms. Starting from late elementary school on up. They should be taught to know it, recognize it, understand it, and most importantly, to know that the chemical depression of someone they care about is not their fault (though circumstantial depression could be their fault if they are behaving badly toward that person). And, that if they are not a mental health professional, they can not fix it. They are not a failure when their attempts to rescue someone from depression fail.
Young people with depression, if they're being well cared for, receive education about their depression in treatment. But those without depression don't seem to ever get that same education. I don't think I know of anyone who doesn't have close contact with at least one person who has some form of non-circumstantial depression. If I could prevent just one young person who loves a person with depression from believing it's their fault and their failure because they can't fix it, I would be happy. I would wish to see school curriculii put more emphasis on this as part health education.