From a Tree Falleth...

[plumtreeblossom]

I am willing to have sex with anyone who will rake and bag my leaves.

Alright, alright, so that’s going too far in the name of chore evasion. But the fact remains that the leaves are now knee-deep in my yard and sometime before the landlord hears a complaint about them I’m going to have to dispose of them.

As lead tenant for our 3-unit house, raking up the leaves is one of the responsibilities that entitles me to my generous rent reduction. Were the landlord not fabulously gay and residing in California, I might be tempted to earn my rent cut via a more old fashioned method (he’s quite attractive...), but as it is, I agreed to prostitute my hours at leaf removal, and there are a lot of leaves.

No matter that the front yard is the size of a conference table, and the back yard the size of a child’s bedroom. The leaves blow in from hither and yon, shunted by the wind dynamics on our street so that all the leaves from the houses across the street blow over to the yards on my side. Technically none of the leaves are mine because there aren’t any trees in either my front or back yard. The leaves are thus our leaves in the sense of collective community within Bay State Avenue. God clearly favors the people on the other side of the street because he rakes their leaves for them. In a fantasy socialist universe we would all report to our yards with rakes and smiles on the same day and hour to manage our leaves together as One. But this is Somerville. We don’t even know who lives next door.

I am the wrong person to be lead tenant. I have a life outside the home, and that presents numerous and unending conflicts of interests. A good lead tenant should be someone who is home every minute except for trips to the hardware store for more leaf bags or a toilet plunger. Their Saturday nights should consist of taped sitcoms and Swanson frozen dinners. They should have no friends, hobbies, or personal goals. They should have cracked and stubby fingers. The ideal lead tenant is 55 years old and has never been outside of Massachusetts.

Thusly, the leaves are still in the yard. Except now they’re wet from the rain, and will stay that way. They will clot and fight vigorously against the bag. I daydream of looking down affectionately from my bedroom window, massage oil and flavored condoms in hand, watching some strong and able someone who is raking up my leaves and will upon completion be ascending to my boudoir to reap the promised reward.

It’s as good a daydream as any, for such as I who am doomed to rake. :-)

Comments

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

Since golden October declined into somber November....

Why not?

[guxx.livejournal.com]

We don’t even know who lives next door.

Why don't you know your neighbors? Surely, you are not introverted. Is it apathy? Do you not care? If a neighbor died, would someone tell you? Would his death matter to you in the slightest? Obviously, you see eachother in the street, perhaps going to and fro your doors or into your cars or when peeking out the window to see if the tall burly UPS driver has arrived yet with your packages. Do you not smile at your neighbors, or even a smirk?

It's an issue for me, growing up in suburbia where we may not have been goody-two-shoes with our neighbors but we said hi and had copies of eachothers house keys should there be an emergency if one of our households was on vacation. But in cities, why no neighborly love? Perhaps because you are here temporarily?

Oh, and your leaves. In lieu of raking, how about a blow? Find someone (such as my parents) with one of those leaf blowers and blow them into bags.

[desultor.livejournal.com]

for some reason, i keep seeing that icon and thinking it's wellstar posting. i've made the mistake several times now....which made it confusing when you were talking about your attractive male (but gay) landlord.

i'm coming to mitc tomorrow night, btw. wanna mark a seat for me? :)

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Rake the leaves Rake the sticks Rake the stones Rake the bones RAKE THEM RAKE THEM!!






*sigh* Three replies, no offers.

[guxx.livejournal.com]

How about opening your apartment up for an after-show cast party? Granted, I say this without knowing your space constraints. But think about this image: dozens of drunken men and women, sans the few who don't drink, raking your leaves in the dead of the night.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

This is because I shamelessly hijacked the icon I originally made for Mare to suit my own nefarious purposes. The terrorists have won.

plumtreeblossom, I might be willing to deal with some of your leaves, even without the sex.

Re: Why not?

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

I was hyperbolizing, really. I do know my next door neighbors. On one side are two nice elderly couples who live together communally. On the other side is a rather skeevy guy who says suggestive things from his swimming pool when I'm on my balcony. But the non-knowing of most of my neighbors isn't apathy, but rather a transient vibe to this street and the ones around it. Many of the tenants are Tufts students who come and go quickly. People don't have much of a chance to get to know each other beyond a nodding acquaintence, since they/we aren't home much and most won't be staying long anyway. I've been there 6 years and when I walk down the street, usually hardly anyone else is.

I think it might also be compounded with how tightly packed in we are in this immediate area. If you look at an ariel photo of the Powderhouse neighborhood (which I did a month or so ago), the houses look just like Pez stacked on their sides. We're pressed up against and on top of each other, and privacy is at a premium. That contributes, I think.

Conversely, I've recently begun getting to know lots of people in this area, something that was facilitated by T@F. So, it's not to say that I don't want to know my neighbors on this street- I definitely do. It just hasn't happened as often as I wish.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

Ditto. Pick a time. I'll come by and help.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Hehehe. Chris and I were thinking about having a post-show party if nobody else is. I wouldn't make anyone rake leaves, though. Well, unless it as Co-ed Naked Raking, I suppose.

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

When do you need it done, as I have nothing to do next week.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Women rule, I swear. Maybe this Sunday a some point? I'll definitely pay for a meal out for any souls who rake. And I'll rake too, not just gaze down admiringly.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

It might be that the girlz are going to help, but know what else I need? Help de-virusing and spyware ridding of my ailing computer, maybe with that thingy you suggested (Ad Aware, I think). Up for onsite tech support?

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

Absolutely.

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

you mean I can't help too?

[saturn939.livejournal.com]

daydream of looking down affectionately from my bedroom window, massage oil and flavored condoms in hand, watching some strong and able someone who is raking up my leaves and will upon completion be ascending to my boudoir to reap the promised reward.

. . . oh. my. lord. I have NEVER read anything so hott about RAKING LEAVES before in my entire life. Whoa.

Time for a cold shower,
Dej

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

Maybe if you dress in drag...

[jmspencer.livejournal.com]

I don't think I could wear Jo's dress for that.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

If you sit on either aisle, the chorus does much of it's performing from there. But don't try and make me laugh, cuz I will!

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

But you looked so fetching in it. Rakish, if you will!

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

You can wear my dress though. :-)

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Way cool!

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Wow, seeing it pasted like that makes it read like a bad romance novel!

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

I've been making that same offer for three years, no takers for me either. Last year, we bagged about forty bags of leaves before we finally gave up and paid someone with a vacuum. This year, I have no excuse. I've gotta go out there myself and get them out.

Not only will I offer my body, but I'll cook a fabulous omelet afterwards.

Anyone? Guys?

*sigh*

[saturn939.livejournal.com]

I love bad romance novels! :-X They're my seekrit pleasure.

-Dej

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

It's tough being sexy in a tree-lined neighborhood, isn't it? ;-)

[guxx.livejournal.com]

Fuck the leaves. I'll challenge you to a Best Omelette contest, if only there is an unbiased judge.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Well, given that I'm offering to cook the omelette after sating the lusts of whoever offers to rake my leaves, you'll have to as well. Wouldn't be fair otherwise, would it?

So there you have it folks, I'm tossing Ari into the pot. Between the two of us, we'll curl your toes and fold your eggs and all you've got to do is a couple of hours of raking... :)

[desultor.livejournal.com]

hah. that fortune is my favorite phrase that i've ever seen printed on a soda cap from the various contests they have. it's just one step away from saying "you are a loser".

[desultor.livejournal.com]

yes, have a party saturday night that way i can come!

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

I think "rake my leaves" is an excellent candidate for newest sexual euphemism. ;-) "Damn, but I'd rake his leaves in a heartbeat..."

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

It has been altogether too long since I have slept with a woman. And infinitehotel has many superlative skills, not the least of which is his omelet-making.

So, ok, sure, twist my arm, you've won: I'll have sex with both of you together, and then rake leaves for a week while living on delicious omelets.

Problem solved.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

What, I'm not sexy enough for you? *pout*

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Actually, if you wear that Catholic school skirt.....

[rdcf.livejournal.com]

I actually like raking leaves. My boarding school was in a residential area with a lot of elderly people. I used to walk around with my rake and rake their leaves. One older woman caught me raking her leaves and forced me to come inside for lemonade and cookies :-).

Drop me a line if you really want help with the leaves and are willing to feed me sweets :-) roxanne (at) emond (dot) org.

[kalisti23.livejournal.com]

Awe, crap!

"Honey? Can you buy me a rake so I can sleep with my friend?"