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Un-wished-for Encounters
Jan. 29th, 2006 10:17 amI've never been inclined toward false cordiality when in the presence of someone I hate. It goes completely against my nature, and I've never felt the need to cultivate the skills to do it. I don't see the logic in that form of insincerity; if I dislike someone, there's no reason to mask that fact from them. This is not to say that active hostility is acceptable (it isn't), but making chit-chatty small talk and exchanging pleasantries with an enemy is simply outside my range of abilities. You could say I'm not a good enough actress for that.
I wish I could report that I have no enemies. But I do have a very tiny handful, most of them long lost in my past but a scant few remaining in my general sphere of current existence. Being in the same place at the same time with them is extremely rare. But it does happen on the odd occasion, sometimes just bypassing each other somewhere public, or sometimes for durations of several hours, depending on the situation. When that happens, my method of dealing with their presence is to ignore them. I don't feel obligated to make insincere hellos, or even eye contact. I simply don't acknowledge them.
I should clarify my use of the word "enemy." By that I don't mean someone who simply rubs me the wrong way but has done nothing to me. People in that category may drive me up the wall with their personality, but if they've never actively harmed me in any way, they're not an enemy. With them, I can usually manage a quick greeting before extracting myself.
But there are a few people who have thoroughly burnt their last bridge with me, and I do consider them enemies. Someone who has taken active measures to hurt me, and by all accounts appears glad to have harmed me and eager to do it again if possible -- that is an enemy. A person needs to have wronged me severely to be hated by me. They are rare and my encounters with them are rarer still, but when it happens, I feel no need to follow any social protocol that dictates acknowledging them.
I know many people who are very good at turning on the charm around enemies. They can banter and small talk and flash fake smiles like there's no rift at all between them, then afterwards they'll spend hours ripping on that enemy, their anger all ruffled up again by their own insincerity. I think it's untrue to the self to force this social interaction, when simply not acknowledging each other is more natural and prevents cloaked volleys of insults and passive-aggressive behavior.
I can't picture saying "So good to see you!" to an enemy, because it isn't good to see them. I can't say "How are you?" because I don't care how they are. I don't like when that's expected of me. I just don't acknowledge them, and in the best case scenario, they don't acknowledge me, either.
It's a appropriate application of the old yarn "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And if you can't say anything nice, don't beat yourself up about that. Just be quiet, and go find someone else to talk to. Also, don't take any bait they throw at you, and don't throw any yourself. It's not worth it.
If one of these people were drowning/falling/choking and I was the only one who could save them, yes, of course I would. It's the right thing to do, and my capacity for hate doesn't run deep enough that I would let anyone die if I could save them. But after they were safe, I would probably just walk away quietly. And not look back.
I wish I could report that I have no enemies. But I do have a very tiny handful, most of them long lost in my past but a scant few remaining in my general sphere of current existence. Being in the same place at the same time with them is extremely rare. But it does happen on the odd occasion, sometimes just bypassing each other somewhere public, or sometimes for durations of several hours, depending on the situation. When that happens, my method of dealing with their presence is to ignore them. I don't feel obligated to make insincere hellos, or even eye contact. I simply don't acknowledge them.
I should clarify my use of the word "enemy." By that I don't mean someone who simply rubs me the wrong way but has done nothing to me. People in that category may drive me up the wall with their personality, but if they've never actively harmed me in any way, they're not an enemy. With them, I can usually manage a quick greeting before extracting myself.
But there are a few people who have thoroughly burnt their last bridge with me, and I do consider them enemies. Someone who has taken active measures to hurt me, and by all accounts appears glad to have harmed me and eager to do it again if possible -- that is an enemy. A person needs to have wronged me severely to be hated by me. They are rare and my encounters with them are rarer still, but when it happens, I feel no need to follow any social protocol that dictates acknowledging them.
I know many people who are very good at turning on the charm around enemies. They can banter and small talk and flash fake smiles like there's no rift at all between them, then afterwards they'll spend hours ripping on that enemy, their anger all ruffled up again by their own insincerity. I think it's untrue to the self to force this social interaction, when simply not acknowledging each other is more natural and prevents cloaked volleys of insults and passive-aggressive behavior.
I can't picture saying "So good to see you!" to an enemy, because it isn't good to see them. I can't say "How are you?" because I don't care how they are. I don't like when that's expected of me. I just don't acknowledge them, and in the best case scenario, they don't acknowledge me, either.
It's a appropriate application of the old yarn "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." And if you can't say anything nice, don't beat yourself up about that. Just be quiet, and go find someone else to talk to. Also, don't take any bait they throw at you, and don't throw any yourself. It's not worth it.
If one of these people were drowning/falling/choking and I was the only one who could save them, yes, of course I would. It's the right thing to do, and my capacity for hate doesn't run deep enough that I would let anyone die if I could save them. But after they were safe, I would probably just walk away quietly. And not look back.
