Fish Below The Ice
Aug. 25th, 2004 12:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
plumtreeblossomI had a good, long cry Monday night. I wasn’t all alone for it. I had called my family, with nothing specific to say or talk about, and while talking with my brother about life goals and unlit paths, the dam just ruptured and everything came gushing out. Hard, wracking sobs, like standing in torrential rain.
I cried for the fear that I’ve never touched a life or made a meaningful difference in anyone’s existence. I cried for the feeling uselessness and failure that wake me in the middle of the night. I cried because, whether I elect to accept it or not, I have reached mid-life. I cried for the worst mistakes of my life, all made before the age of 22, that still haunt me daily, and for the despairing self-condemnation that stabs me in broad daylight, in the middle of the sidewalk or the store aisle, while others walk by never knowing they’ve just seen The Person Who Is Unfit To Exist. I cried and said the terrorists should behead me instead of the loved and worthwhile people who mean something in this world. Then I just cried without words, until I thought my ribs would crack, my cat circling my ankle wondering how to help.
My brother and I do have our fights at times, but he’s excellent at holding up a mirror of reality to someone who is feeling what I was feeling. He’s going through it, too. He made me list accomplishments I was proud of, which took a lot of effort in that mindset, and especial effort not to belittle them all. He got me to think about the effect I’ve had on people in my life, and reminded me of the truth that, in the vast majority of cases, we never know when we’ve had a positive effect on someone’s life, because it’s a thing seldom mentioned. If everyone could have an It’s a Wonderful Life experience, we’d all see ourselves in a very different light.
I’m feeling better. I know what needs to be done to dispel this ongoing feeling of useless to humanity, and it isn’t therapy or drugs. It’s focus and contribution, by way of writing and other things I’m good at. We can only maintain faith in our own worth by what we know we’ve offered to the world with a clean heart. Those strangers who see me without knowing the tempest in my head may have one of their own spinning that I’ll never know about. So might any of my close friends. The fish below the ice stir the waters in ways we often never see.
I cried for the fear that I’ve never touched a life or made a meaningful difference in anyone’s existence. I cried for the feeling uselessness and failure that wake me in the middle of the night. I cried because, whether I elect to accept it or not, I have reached mid-life. I cried for the worst mistakes of my life, all made before the age of 22, that still haunt me daily, and for the despairing self-condemnation that stabs me in broad daylight, in the middle of the sidewalk or the store aisle, while others walk by never knowing they’ve just seen The Person Who Is Unfit To Exist. I cried and said the terrorists should behead me instead of the loved and worthwhile people who mean something in this world. Then I just cried without words, until I thought my ribs would crack, my cat circling my ankle wondering how to help.
My brother and I do have our fights at times, but he’s excellent at holding up a mirror of reality to someone who is feeling what I was feeling. He’s going through it, too. He made me list accomplishments I was proud of, which took a lot of effort in that mindset, and especial effort not to belittle them all. He got me to think about the effect I’ve had on people in my life, and reminded me of the truth that, in the vast majority of cases, we never know when we’ve had a positive effect on someone’s life, because it’s a thing seldom mentioned. If everyone could have an It’s a Wonderful Life experience, we’d all see ourselves in a very different light.
I’m feeling better. I know what needs to be done to dispel this ongoing feeling of useless to humanity, and it isn’t therapy or drugs. It’s focus and contribution, by way of writing and other things I’m good at. We can only maintain faith in our own worth by what we know we’ve offered to the world with a clean heart. Those strangers who see me without knowing the tempest in my head may have one of their own spinning that I’ll never know about. So might any of my close friends. The fish below the ice stir the waters in ways we often never see.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-25 11:46 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-25 11:50 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-25 12:14 pm (UTC)It's A Wonderful Life
Date: 2004-08-25 01:31 pm (UTC)I think we should start a new LJ meme: Most of us never know the full extent of our own impact on other people's lives. Yet at some time for each one of us, there has been a seemingly small effort or act of kindness from someone else that affected us hugely -- perhaps in a way they never even realized. Tell their story now. Name names, if you can.
I have one story off the top of my head, from college, that I always think of in this vein. I will tell it sometime soon.