eFail

[plumtreeblossom]

Following a class action suit, the homophobically managed eHarmony was pressured into finally providing same sex matching services after years of pointedly shunning it. Rather than mix their straight clientele with all the nasty homosexuals, they opened up a bare-bones outboard site called CompatiblePartners.net.

I bet it sucks. It's so clear that they hate doing it. Not only did they give it the most joyless and utilitarian name possible, the registry page features a big, fat disclaimer that all of their research was done on married heterosexual couples and that they have not done (and surely will not do) any research on same-sex matching. The disclaimer is repeated in dramatic CAPSLOCK on their TOS page. And the no-frills graphics show stereotype-reinforcing twinks and probably-not-lesbian stock photography models.

I'm sure they don't care if they ever generate a successful same-sex match. I can only imagine that they put no resources into it and are waiting and hoping it will fail. Part of the class action suit required that they give out 10,000 free memberships. That's a tiny number of people for a national dating service, but there appear to be free memberships left so perhaps potential clients aren't buying the farce. If any of you have memberships, I'd be very curious to hear how your matching is going (or not going).

Comments

Condemning and defending eHarmony in the same breath

[http://users.livejournal.com/_mattt/]

Okay, here it goes...

I used eHarmony (eHarm as those of us in the know like to call it) for a period of about three years in between 2005 and 2008. Initially, I had tremendous success with it.

I ceased using it in 2008 because the site has undergone serious decline in the quality and quantity of participants. I am not sure to what extent this is due to bad publicity.

I am inclined to believe very little, as Internet dating in general appears to be waning in popularity as people realize its intellectuality and shortcomings -- it is not the panacea it was once believed to be in the early 2000's. eHarmony requires an enormous investiture of time and (most importantly) finance. It is only natural that such a site would suffer the most, first.

I defended it because: a) the bad reputation was coming from the internet, and I tend to believe any internet meme is overwrought, and b) it was so successful for me.

I was looking for a serious, committed relationship, and eHarmony appeared to be able to offer me that above all the other sites. Where else was I going to turn? OkCupid? I always "resented" having to wade through (heterosexual) profiles of people looking for anything but a serious, committed relationship, but that is pure egocentrism on my part.

I read Dr. Warren's defense when the story first broke; that the site was based on research, and all his research was based on heterosexual couples. What if heterosexual couples and homosexual or bisexual or any other type of relationship have different matching fundamentals?

But then I realized that even if his research didn't cover other sexual orientations, HE SHOULD HAVE FOUND SOMEONE WHOSE DOES. Really, what's the harm? Then I read that he graduated from Pepperdine, and I threw up in my mouth.

So I had the conflict of a site that brought me tremendous success and knowing the fact that the proprietor was a bigot. Great. Once past the heterosexual and spirituality checkpoint, I never encountered any other bigotry or discrimination on the site. I guess because I knew this guy was Focus on the Family, if the site didn't tell me I should have died in the Holocaust, I thought the guy was totally open minded. Talk about relativity.

In the end, I parted ways with eHarmony for both reasons. My conscience began to bother me, and I have moved away from the Internet as a means of dating. I will not deny that adherence to the philosophy of all being fair in love and war did cause me to overlook things I probably shouldn't have, specifically, discrimination.

Re: Condemning and defending eHarmony in the same breath

[joyeous.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with Pepperdine? Seriously, I don't know.

Re: Condemning and defending eHarmony in the same breath

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

When you said you had success there, what did you mean< specifically? It seems to me their goal is marriages, and you're still available. (not challenging you at all, just curious about your experience.)

I think you're thinking of http://www.russianbrides.com/ :-)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_mattt/]

No, I don't feel you're challenging me at all. It is a legitimate question.

I do, however, feel that may be too narrow a lens to view eHarmony (or any other dating site) through. After all, what is the goal of any Internet dating site? If we lower the bar from marriage to just creating a relationship, however fleeting, then by the same logic, any dating site has failed that doesn't grant each and every member such.

From actually using the site, I'm not sure I felt any undo emphasis on marriage. I also never felt any bigotry or discrimination. Of course, I passed their heterosexual filter :/ All the women I met were as liberal or more liberal than I. I do like the format and do like the pacing. I like to say the parts of eHarmony are much greater than the whole.

It is hard to specifically put into words, but the majority of women I met there just seemed to be more serious (read: adult) about finding a committed relationship -- to focus on marriage still puts the cart way (way, way) before the horse.

And after using the site, I had a few relationships that lasted several (3 or more) dates, and one long-term committed relationship that lasted just under a year. Contrast this to OkCupid!, where three female friends and I sat around a week ago trying to think of whether we ever had a second date. And OKC has a very different "angle" than eHarmony. That doesn't mean I didn't use OKC -- I just used it for something entirely different.

Internet dating can lead to marriage. My sister met her husband on jDate, and a friend from taekwondo met her husband on Match. But so can riding the T, going grocery shopping, and even going to a pickup bar. I imagine even using OKC can work. I just felt that for myself, having defined "working" as a serious, committed relationship, eHarmony worked the most.