10 Things I Learned Later In Life Than Many People Do

[plumtreeblossom]

1) When I sense tension between me and another person, it is never just my imagination. It is real, and should not be dismissed or glossed over.

2) If a situation or relationship feels toxic, it is toxic. Action may be called for, including departure from the situation or relationship if necessary.

3) I can never make someone love me.

4) I can never make someone like me.

5) When someone has sex with me (or expresses the wish or willingness to do so), it does not in any way mean that they love me, nor even like me, nor are even attracted to me. In fact, some people are capable of having sex with people they hate. It means only a willingness for sex at that particular moment, and unless other emotions are clearly expressed, I need to factor this into my decision as to whether I do still want sex with that person or not.

6) In early dating relationships, I prefer to be the one who makes the first move physically. Later in the relationship, I prefer the other person to take that role more often than me.

7) Friendships change, and sometimes they end without a cause that is easily identifiable to me. When I am receiving signals that a friend does not like me anymore, it is not just paranoia. In nearly all cases it is the truth. Asking them about it seldom yields an answer at all, because they don't want to fix the friendship; they want to end it. Unless the friend’s new dislike is based on a clear wrongdoing on my part that could possibly be addressed and rectified, I need to let that person exit my life. Again, it’s not possible to make someone like you.

8) I can forgive nearly any wrongdoing against me except false accusation. True accusations may hurt, but I do fess up when guilty. However, even one false accusation is enough to make me never feel the same about that person again. More than one will generally end the relationship or friendship. There is very little margin for error, and I have never in my life said the sentence "I understand why you thought I did it."

9) If someone is treating me badly in a group setting (i.e., criticism with intent to hurt, mockery, disrespect, chronic interruption), others in the group have tended to quickly adopt the same behavior towards me. It's up to me to either state a boundary against the behavior or leave, depending on the situation.

10) Most people will generally treat me as I wish it be treated, so long as I make those wishes verbally clear in a polite and straightforward manner.

and

11) It is important to speak in first person if possible when writing a list of things I've learned, because they are my experiences and not meant to represtent those of other people.

Comments

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

is this a meme?

(i'm sorry, i truly am a horribly insensitive person. :) )

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

No, not a meme. It was just stuff I've been thinking about lately, and I ended up putting it into text.

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

oh, i was just making a horrible joke. :)

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Hehe. I added a note in the LJ cut that it wasn't a meme, so people wouldn't feel obligated to meme it themselves. Though they're welcome to if they want. :-)

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

These are good things to recognize about yourself. Some are universal, some more personal, but they're all things no one else can really teach you. I've had to learn many of these myself--and the damned thing is that sometimes I think I've learned them, only to find myself kicked in the ass again when I forget.

Thanks for sharing.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Numbers 3 and 4 were the ones that took the longest to sink in. I've literally wasted years of my life thinking I had the power to steer someone else's emotions, and erroneously believing that I just needed to find the right "key" to win them over. But people can't be won, and emotions can't be manufactured through effort or desire. That's something that I think I could have been taught, but never was. If I had a child I would begin instilling that in them from the moment they could understand the words.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Sure--you can tell someone that and hope they get it. Kind of like "life isn't fair". It's true, but until you really grok it for yourself, it's rarely an especially useful thing to say. I can easily see a child taking "You can't make someone like you," as "nothing you do will make any difference," which are very different things. Not that there's no point in trying, just that these kind of lessons are tricky to impart.

For me, the fact that some people just don't like me was a very freeing revelation (sometime in my junior year or college, I think), because it not only meant that I could stop struggling to make them like them, but that it's also okay that there are people I just don't like. No reason to be uncivil, but there it is.

[epilimnion.livejournal.com]

It took me much longer to become comfortable with the fact that some people just won't like me. And more importantly, it's not a disaster when that is the case, and it surely does not negate all the good relationships I have. Sometimes, it is enough that a person simply treats you fairly and pleasantly, whether they like you or not. Yeah, it's a very freeing thing.

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

It took me much longer to become comfortable with the fact that some people just won't like me.

You're probably more likeable than I am :)

[muffyjo]

What's also important to note is that you seem to have found the courage and the sense of self to actually speak up, articulate, and to verbalize what you need and want. That's been one of the hardest things I've had to learn and I'm still learning it.

You are so incredible. I love how you continue to grow and learn and be open to change and that your actions follow your words. Thank you for being a wonderful example of courage and kindness.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

your actions follow your words

I'm trying for them to, but I haven't maintained is as consistantly as I would like. I've been hurt many, many times, but the truth is that in the majority of cases, I allowed it to happen, and could have put a stop to it with a bit of spine and steel.

You too. *hug*

[hill-the-khore.livejournal.com]

Dude. Add me to your friends list. I need this kind of support, Jo. Sitting on your lap and flirting wasn't enough.

[muffyjo]

LOL! You are a lovely flirt and there is nothing wrong with enjoying your attentions. Done. :)

The wisdom to know the difference

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

Good stuff.

Of course the real hard part is knowing when some of these apply. And when they don't. :/

Re: The wisdom to know the difference

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm coming to learn that they really always apply, whether I want them to or not (hardest when I don't want them to!). Some of the things that have happened to you in recent days were part of what actually got me thinking about this again. Noticing some life history parallels and such.

[hill-the-khore.livejournal.com]

If only I could be this consistent. Consistency in these sort of things is always what I fail at. And I have fantastic stories to share about my lack of consistency.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

I wish to be more consistant too. For most of my life I didn't believe my natural perceptions were correct. Now I more often trust myself on them. But it took a long, long time for that trust to develop.

[wellstar.livejournal.com]

Consistency in these sort of things is always what I fail at.

But it sounds like you consistently fail in these endeavours...so that's something, right?