Personal Space and Changes Through Life

[plumtreeblossom]

Last night beowabbit and I were talking about large music festivals, which led to me talking about the festival camping I've done. I started out all "OMG it's sooo much fun!" And it absolutely was. I lived in packed tent cities for days on end, showered or bathed communally, and figured out that the best way to deal with incessant all-night drum circles was to join 'em. I've loved certain music festival camp-outs, like the Grassroots Festival in Ithaca, so much that I cried when it was time to go home. But I had to stop and remember that I was 29 the last time I did that, and in the many years since then, my relationship with personal space and privacy have changed quite a bit.

Specifically, I need considerably more of both, and have developed a strong distaste for over-crowded accommodations or floor/couch crashing after parties. It would pretty much take a forced evacuation to a hurricane shelter to get me to sleep in an open roomful of people. If beowabbit and I got hopelessly and impossibly stranded overnight at a party and there wasn't a private spare room available for us, I'd probably hunt down a blanket and go sleep in his car.

I was admiring derspatchel's apartment because it has two full bathrooms. Two! Less sharing required, and less sharing of facilities/space is good! To me. This is a way in which I've changed as I've gotten older.

I have a lot of friends who are planning to room at Arisia (a convention in Boston this weekend) with three, four, five, six other people in a hotel room. One shared bafwoom for all. Just the thought of enduring that makes my hair stand on end. 15 years ago I likely wouldn't have minded it. I had fewer major issues then with packed clown cars or sleeping in armchairs. Now...DO NOT WANT.

Poor Wabbit is sterling in putting up with me and my idiosyncrasy. He needs his privacy too, but for him, I've observed that it's more about his time than about bodily space, mostly. I think he would be unhappy if everyone were pressuring and demanding all of his time, but I think he could drift peacefully to sleep in a packed bed (so long as he liked everyone there). We're going to Arisia too, but are staying elsewhere, where the elbow room is more generous.

So, when we were talking last night, I had to conclude that maybe I wouldn't still love festival camping as much if I tried it now. At least, not unless my tent had a functioning zipper and a No Vacancy sign. Maybe I'll just have to find out sometime.

Comments

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Thank goodness someone gets this! I'm exactly the same way, and in the early stages of a dating relationship, I'm slower about getting comfortable sharing a bed than I am about getting jiggy.

When I hear "There's plenty of floor space" I immediately tense up. Not gonna happen, and I have to come up with a polite way to say so.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

It took me until last year (age 43) to agree to try staying in a B&B. The B&B squick for me is that it's someone's house, and the room I occupy isn't mine the way a rented hotel room is. It went without problems because Wabbit has a magic way of making me chill out, but sharing a bathroom with all the other guests wasn't my favorite part of the trip. On trips to Europe, I've shelled out double for "American style" rooms with their own bathroom. And I always, always will.

All of this applies to transportation, too. Halleluja for the new stricter seatbelt laws -- hopefully I will never again have to ride 4-across in the back seat with another person stretched over our laps.

[vanguardcdk.livejournal.com]

Actually you just say you can't sleep on the floor because it screws up your back. Very easy and understandable excuse...whether it's true or not. ;)

[hahathor.livejournal.com]

Per Miss Manners, all plumtreeblossom has to say is, "I'm afraid can't sleep on the floor." No reason is necessary. The whole "I can't . . ." is a great face saver. "So sorry I can't come to dinner on Friday," could mean you have other plans, or that you can't stand the thought of an entire meal spent in the other person's company. But "I can't come to dinner" sounds a lot better than desperately struggling to find a plausible excuse, which could then be countermanded:

"So sorry, I'd love to come to dinner, but . . . I have a friend from out of town"
"Great! The more then merrier, bring her along"

or

"So sorry, I'm afraid I just started the Atkins diet and so eating out is problematic."
"No problem! I've been dying to try out some of the recipes in "Better Cooking with Suet and Lard."

or

"Oh, I"m about ready to drop at any minute, and I'd hate to spoil your dinner by going into labor."
"Oh, don't worry about that. I"ve been reading Obstetrics for Dummies and it would be a good chance to apply my new skills."

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

It's lies, all lies. :-)

Actually it does give me a sore back and hips for at least a day after, which makes it convenient to use it as a pat and more polite excuse to get me out of floor crashing. It's significantly easier to use "can't" rather than "won't" in almost any uncomfortable situation of this sort. If I say "No can do, these old hips can't take it," I never get an argument. But if I say "Naw thanks, I'm just not the overnight crashing type," I get endless protests and wailing and hurt feelings. So, I make it easier on everyone when I think it's best.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, sing it. I don't want to share rooms with someone I'm not involved with, I can't sleep on hard surfaces without injuring myself, and I Do. Not. Camp. at festivals. I adore the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, but I would rather pay for a motel room 30-45 minutes away from the site and drive back and forth than camp there.

The one thing where I don't mind camping so much is Baitcon. I would still rather have a cabin, but I'll tent if there's no cabin. At least it's only 100-150 people instead of thousands. Still gotta use the earplugs, though.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Yep, if I'm not involved with the person(s), I would honestly prefer a Japanese capsule hotel to communal sleeping accommodations. I recall an out of town party we considered going to, and if we had opted to stay in one of the house's guest rooms, we would have had to share it with another couple. No way in hell. There were nearby motels, which is what we would have done if we'd gone (though eventually we decided not to go).

[spatch]

To be fair, the downstairs bath doesn't have a shower, but it's nice for visitors who stay overnight to have access to a bathroom right nearby.

Also included in the B&B package is a large black-and-white sentient duvet/footwarmer who also doubles as an alarm clock operating on chaos theory.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Still, when someone's on the hopper and you really, really, really need to go, chances are you won't have to wait in your room sweating and biting your knuckle and trying to think pleasant thoughts.

Abbie's B&B!

[epilimnion.livejournal.com]

I hear you on this one. I can only share rooms with people In already know, and even then, it better not be a long-term thing. And I need a clean bathroom. I've done my share of couch crashing and crowded room sharing. In each case, I was not with strangers. I can't do the mystery roommate thing, and I was lucky in that my college had single rooms for all upperclassmen. I've stayed in a Berlin pension with a private room (with a sink) and a shared bathroom. It helped that the bathroom was always super clean.

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

I shudder when I see photos of some contemporary dorm room set-ups, like quads with two sets of bunk beds in one room. AAAACK! I couldn't have lived that way, not even back then.

The other thing I would dread would be having to share a hotel room with a colleague for business travel. I would die. I would pay extra for my own room to myself. I would even also cover the other half of the room I wouldn't share with the colleague. Anything but sharing.

[bex77]

Thanks for posting about this...I am definitely with you on this one. I've never been one for camping. It's hard for me to fathom now how I coped with a room mate in college.

I started thinking about personal space a couple of weeks ago when one of the theater guys posted about going to a work retreat, where they had 4-5 people in a room in a guest house, and there was a "bed lottery" to figure out who'd sleep on the floor. EEEK! I could not fathom having to sleep with co-workers at all, much less with 4 or more or them, and having to sleep on the floor and share bathrooms with about 20 people! I don't want anyone to see me sleeping except my dear hubby.

I know everyone doesn't have the luxury, but I've always thought the key to my marriage was a king-sized bed, two bathrooms and two computers. :)

After years of bad sofa beds and splitting up into single bed in separate guest rooms, we've finally made it okay to stay in a hotel when we visit people. Go see people, but get out in the late evening and drive off to a hotel. Yippeee!

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

This, of course, is an issue I do not have, though that being said, I am *very* glad our Arisia room turned out the way it did, with beds being shared by people who will enjoy sharing bed with each other, and all folks who are cool and awesome.

I still had commuting as an option if nothing acceptable came up, and if I had to share a one-bed room with three 20-something guys, that would have been enough to chase me home.

But at Kripalu, for example, I spent a month in a large square room with 23 other women. (And three+ months in a long, narrow room with 23 other women, but in that case, since you could practically only see the people on either idea of you, it didn't feel as populous.) It didn't really occur to me ahead of time that it might be a problem, so I'm sure glad it wasn't one. I wonder how many others show up not realizing it might be an issue for them, only to be driven mad. But it's not like I spent much awake time in there, really.

And the thing is, in the case of an event like Arisia, I'm also only in the room to sleep, shower, and change.

Back when I first started conning, M and I always shared a room with a particular other couple, which also worked out quite well. I don't really grok having a problem with sharing space, but I totally accept that many people do, and it's not just you. :)

[majes.livejournal.com]

You should come to Pennsic. You could camp in my camp and everything. It would be a fine test of your festival camping abilities, besides just being an awesome event. Natch, you would want your own tent, but those are easy to come by.

[ayelle.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's annoying. I'm generally totally fine with sharing space, lack of privacy, etc -- but sharing with WORK people? Even if I like them, that's just weird.

[scholargipsy.livejournal.com]

I've always had a pretty strong need for both private space and private time, both of which are as you know at a premium in Japan (the former especially). If one thing about living here ratchets up my stress level, it's the near-omnipresent feeling that strangers are too close.

Interestingly, though, Kat never trips my proximity freak-out sensors (some past partners have), even though we live in an itty-bitty apartment that definitely isn't big enough for two, unless they really, really like each other. Clearly, we must, since no one's been killed yet.