A Commuter Rants

[plumtreeblossom]

I’ve had absolutely all I'm going to take of riding the Green Line at morning rush hour. From now on, I will leave 10 or 15 minutes early so I can walk from Park Street to Copley Square. I don't care if it's raining poison arrows or the Commons are on fire; I'll walk rather than put myself through the torture of Green Line rush hour. It took me 10 minutes anyway just to get on one of the trains this morning, and most mornings. I've had to learn "defensive boarding" in order to jockey myself a position where I can see both tracks and dive to a spot on the yellow strip where I stand a chance of squeezing in. Then once I'm on, it only gets worse from there.

I don't blame the MBTA as much as I blame it's ridership. People should be required to take T riding lessons before being allowed to use the T, at least the antiquated Green Line. Having used the efficient subway systems of New York, London, and Tokyo, I know that not every city has such a high representation of slack-jawed, self-centered, idiots who need to be smashed over the head with the Clue-by-Four, like Boston has.

Here is just a small sampling of the people who make civil MBTA ridership a complete impossibility:

People With Strollers - American-style strollers are an abomination and a classic symbol of this society's obsessive drive for largeness. I’ve seen the strollers in Europe and Japan; they are only as large as they need to be to hold a baby, and only babies ride in them, not 5-year-olds. American strollers are rolling sidewalk yachts that combine the function of shopping cart, luggage trolly, and conveyer of great big boys and girls who should be walking. American strollers don't belong anywhere indoors but they most especially don't belong on the Green Line at fucking rush hour.

Idiots Who Stand in The Doorway- CluePhone! It's for the oblivious moron with the iPod completely blocking the doorway as a dozen people struggle to get past you in the 15 seconds we have before the doors close. If you're that person, the correct protocol is to step off the train, let those who need to exit do so, then climb back on. Burying your nose in your book won't make the problem go away. Eventually a True Hero of The People will shove you off the train with velocity enough to land you on your face 20 feet from the track. Move it or die.

People Who Fart on The T- I find it hard to believe you're not capable of squeezing your butt cheeks together long enough to reach your stop and get above ground before releasing your death cloud upon the helpless innocents packed beside you. I think you can, but you'd rather get your little power trip from making everyone around you nauseous and fearful of being blamed. Oh, you really can't control it? Well, sorry for your troubles, but I hate you anyway. If you must unleash your zephyr of Agent Brown on the T, at least stand next to the people with the stroller.

People Who Don't Wear Deodorant During Rush Hour Commute - A hearty FU from all us short people who are forced to ride with our noses in your armpit. Don't say "Yo, that's my musk." It's not musk, it's absent hygiene. Deodorize or walk.

Frottagists- I can understand that because you're a hideous, shoe-reeking, gold-toothed, tobacco-chewing, 4-foot-10, 90-pound Gollum, no woman would fuck you with their worst enemy’s cooch. But that doesn't mean you're invited to rub your repugnant little loins on my ass or thigh on the pretext that the train is jam packed. Try it again and I will have my left hand amputated and refitted with the mighty claw of an Alaskan King Crab. And I won't be afraid to use it.

Boom-Humans- Nice audio, motherfucker. I can hear every note and every subtle nuance of your music, and I'm three people away. Of all of the T idiots, I hate you least, because I know you will be going deaf not too long from now. And that makes me all cheerful and feel-goody inside.



Testify.

Comments

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

this is why i bike!

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

My bike is so hosed. Whenever I ride, it feels like the front wheel is gonna fall off any minute. Eventually it will, and I'll die. Or i'll get a new bike.

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

hmmm, if you want, i can take a look at it. i've been doing most of my own maintenance for a few years now. what exactly do you mean "feels like it's gonna fall off"?

[saturn939.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahahaha

-Dee

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

New icon! :-)

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

Yes! We kill him at high noon. :-)

[spatch]

I also like the people who seem to think that their $1.25 fare entitles their bag to a seat too. I don't care how antisocial you are -- I fucking hate riding a crowded T train, but I let people sit next to me -- you can't block off a seat with your bag. Especially if there's someone who REALLY needs the damn thing.

Also I can't believe the folks who really don't understand that in order to get ON the train, they need to let the people already aboard get OFF first. It's not like the train's gonna pull away from the station after everybody gets off. Who here has hollered "LET 'EM OFF, PEOPLE, LET 'EM OFF" with a gusto Bostonian accent? C'mon, we gotta help here.

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

Yep, yep. Or people who stand right in front of an empty seat instead of sitting down, thus blocking it from other people and taking up extra space. In Japan, a full car was a FULL car -- people don't even cross their legs because that takes up more space and you might hit someone with your shoe. Here, I often see cars that are too full for anyone to board despite many empty seats because people are taking up two seats, blocking empties, and not moving to the empty parts of away from the doors. It's disgusting.

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

There's a truly gruesome radio play in there, Mare. Maybe an Afterhell short called "Silent But Deadly". derspatchel can write it! :)

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

also, i am slightly disappointed that you didn't opt for the direct pun. :)

(btw, i still have your copy of dress your family in corderoy and denim - i realized it the other day.)

[epilimnion.livejournal.com]

how about those guys that, when confronted with a truly packed train, obnoxiously push and squeeze their way in, loudly proclaiming, "I/we can make it!"

[scholargipsy.livejournal.com]

First off, this really made me laugh. I'm sorry your pain converts to my amusement, but I got the impression you were aiming for wit; if so, bullseye.

I feel compelled to note I've witnessed some atrocious behavior on Japanese trains, too -- admittedly less than on the T, but if you live here long enough, you do see it: vicious shoving to get on and off is the most common (I mean really hardcore, as in people get hurt), but also people who stretch out across multiple seats (I've even seen people lying down!) or cluelessly make poor use of space.

In general, people's conservation of space on crowded trains seems to be a function of the prevailing cultural more that says it's okay to really pack a train; whereas during rush hour in New York a lot of people will just wait for the next train, no one in Tokyo does this. Until the train is packed, you're like as not to see people using space poorly. Not usually a big deal at that point, but sometimes rude when if people were just a little more aware there'd be one or two more seats for others.

And of course, frottage is such a problem here that Japan Rail has actually instituted women-only train cars. That alone says something troubling.

So, assholes everywhere. Big surprise. But at least I've never been farted on.

[mellowtron.livejournal.com]

The San Francisco MUNI system is far worse than Boston's in many ways but one. People actually give up front-of-the-bus seats to elderly/disabled folks. I've never seen anyone in Boston do this, despite the fact that most T-taking people are able-bodied college students.

Oh, also, you've never experienced Green line hell unless you take the B-line in from Allston in the morning. What part of "move to the back of the train" do people not understand? :)